September 25, 2012

Just wait and see!

   When I first got pregnant "just wait and see" was such an exciting phrase.  "I just can't wait to see my baby.  I can't wait for my first US.  I just can't wait to see if it is a boy or girl?  I just can't wait to hold her. I can't wait to buy things. I just can't wait for this morning sickness to be over."  There is so much excitement in those few words.  I remember that feeling well.  It's one of the best feelings in the world.
   Then I started to get a gut feeling that something was just not right and unfortunately I was right.  I started to dread US and Dr appt's, just to hear them say something else is wrong with my baby. I also started to dread and HATE the words "just wait and see".  Every appt I was told "we are just not sure, we will have to wait and see what happens after she is born and we can run more tests and see her in person".  Grrrr
   Then after she was born and in the NICU... "just wait and see".  All of her follow up appts... "just wait and see".  Nothing had changed.  Same words, no answers, many more questions.  Those were my most dreaded words in the English language.  If I heard one more person say this to me, I was going to scream!  And that is exactly what happened.
  We went to a follow up Dr's appt when she was about 3 months old and that is when I had a Dr tell me "We will just have to wait and see, but don't expect much from her. She probably will not hit milestones or do much of anything." She went on and on about all the negative things that are going to happen and all the things that are not going to happen.  Finally, I looked at the Dr in tears and said "Stop talking! Do NOT tell me what my child is and is not going to do.  I will push this child just has hard as I push my other 2 girls, until she tells me that she cannot do it and even then I will still gently push her because that is what unconditional love does.  You can now just wait and see what great things she will do."  Then I stormed out.  I sat in my car holding my baby, sobbing so hard I could hardly breath.  But out of that anger came something positive. I decided that "Just wait and see" are my new power words.  I no longer dreaded them.  I will use them to not only push me but to prove all those Dr's wrong.  I know that Dr did not mean to make me cry, I think she honestly thought it was better to be straight forward, which I do appreciate most of the time (just not at that moment in time).  So I do thank her because if it wasn't for that conversation and those tears I probably would still hate and dread those word.
  It's funny how the same words can have so many different meanings and emotions attached to them.  From excited, to scared, to hated, to dreaded, to feared, to empowerment, and actually back around to excited.  Like a full circle.
  So watch out world and JUST WAIT AND SEE cause my little girl is going to amaze you and I am now excited again.


1 comment: