I have been so blah lately, in this funk that just doesn't seem to be going away. I am tired all the time and I have had headaches off and on (mostly on) for the last 3 weeks. If you couldn't tell from my last post, I'm been very frustrated lately too.
It all started around the time that Sadie was in the hospital. Is it because it is now January and it is such a blah, boring month? Is it because the weather is so blah? Is it because the holidays and fun are over for a while? Is it because I saw a side of Sadie that I haven't seen before? Is it because I'm exhausted? Is it because I expect too much from Dr's and they are letting me down? Is it because I am a "fixer" and when I can't "fix" something I get angry? Is it because I am ready for some kind of a change in my life but I don't know what? Is it just EVERYTHING right now? YES!!!!! It is all of the above (and probably then some).
Ever since Sadie has been born (well maybe not the first month or so, but pretty much from the beginning) I have changed the way I look and think about things. I had to. Otherwise I would be so down on life and I would make my life, my husbands life, my kids lives, and everyone else's life around me, miserable. Who wants to go through life miserable? Not me, it's too short. There are too many positive things in life to always be focusing on the negative. However, right now... I'm having a hard time finding the positive. I really am trying to stay positive. My favorite saying "If you don't like something, change it. And if you can't change it, change the way you think about it". So I have been saying this to myself everyday.
I can't say that it works everyday, but it is getting me through the day. January is almost over, spring will be here soon, my chiropractor is working on my headaches, the "change" I need: I go through this stage at least twice a year I know I'll get over it. What I can't get past is the stuff that deals with Sadie. I can't fix her and it is breaking my heart. It takes a little piece of me every time I see her "differences". Let me explain.
I see Sadie as a normal baby. I don't see her as a "sick" baby or a baby with "special needs". I don't treat her any differently then I treat my other 2 girls. It's very easy to forget all the things that she has going on on the inside of her body. Yes she has therapy, yes she eats with a g tube, yes she has a lot of Dr's. But really that is it. She's not constantly sick, she doesn't have a bunch of tubes and wires coming off of her, she doesn't look different (except her pirate grin, which I don't even see anymore because I am so use to it). As far as I am concerned she is normal. BUT every once in awhile something comes up and slaps me in the face and kicks my butt back to reality. And when that happens I start getting angry. What kicked me in the butt this time? 2 things. 1. Was that she got sick. All babies get sick. But the fact that what she got sick with was seizures AND a respiratory infection and those are the 2 things that are supposed to effect her most in life and they both happened. IT SUCKED!!! Just thinking that she is following the patterns that I was told she would. I don't want her to follow their predictions. She has not up to now, so why is she starting? I do not want that reality. I want her to stay in her safe bubble and against the odds. And 2. I saw her around her peers. I see what she is "supposed" to be doing. She is obviously not doing the same stuff. I try not to let it bother me. She is progressing at her own speed and I could not be more proud of what she has accomplished, how far she has come, and what odds she has beaten. But it makes me angry that she has to work so much harder at everything in life.
Then this anger starts turning into anger towards the Dr's. Not even towards one in particular. I just want one Dr that will take care of all of her and fight to find answers and at least pretend that they really truly care. I just have not found that one Dr yet. Do they even exist or am I just hallucinating or just having wishful thinking?
I am exhausted! I am tired of always having to think what is next, tired of having to think like a Dr, tired of having to do my own research on everything, tired of having to be an advocate, tired of having to be a nurse, tired of having to be a therapist. I just want to be a mommy! A regular mommy that has regular concerns. I know that is why I am tired all the time and why I have headaches. People tell me "you need a vacation", "you need a break", "you need to have time for you". I 100% agree! However, it's not realistic. On many different levels, it's not realistic.
I'm sorry this is not a very perky, happy post. But this blog is actually helping me a lot with sorting out feelings and getting things out of my head. Unfortunately, some of the bad things have to get out of my head too, to be able to get back to the happy stuff. Thanks for listening/reading. I will get through this. If Sadie can fight to get past her obstacles, I can fight to get past mine.
It all started around the time that Sadie was in the hospital. Is it because it is now January and it is such a blah, boring month? Is it because the weather is so blah? Is it because the holidays and fun are over for a while? Is it because I saw a side of Sadie that I haven't seen before? Is it because I'm exhausted? Is it because I expect too much from Dr's and they are letting me down? Is it because I am a "fixer" and when I can't "fix" something I get angry? Is it because I am ready for some kind of a change in my life but I don't know what? Is it just EVERYTHING right now? YES!!!!! It is all of the above (and probably then some).
Ever since Sadie has been born (well maybe not the first month or so, but pretty much from the beginning) I have changed the way I look and think about things. I had to. Otherwise I would be so down on life and I would make my life, my husbands life, my kids lives, and everyone else's life around me, miserable. Who wants to go through life miserable? Not me, it's too short. There are too many positive things in life to always be focusing on the negative. However, right now... I'm having a hard time finding the positive. I really am trying to stay positive. My favorite saying "If you don't like something, change it. And if you can't change it, change the way you think about it". So I have been saying this to myself everyday.
I can't say that it works everyday, but it is getting me through the day. January is almost over, spring will be here soon, my chiropractor is working on my headaches, the "change" I need: I go through this stage at least twice a year I know I'll get over it. What I can't get past is the stuff that deals with Sadie. I can't fix her and it is breaking my heart. It takes a little piece of me every time I see her "differences". Let me explain.
I see Sadie as a normal baby. I don't see her as a "sick" baby or a baby with "special needs". I don't treat her any differently then I treat my other 2 girls. It's very easy to forget all the things that she has going on on the inside of her body. Yes she has therapy, yes she eats with a g tube, yes she has a lot of Dr's. But really that is it. She's not constantly sick, she doesn't have a bunch of tubes and wires coming off of her, she doesn't look different (except her pirate grin, which I don't even see anymore because I am so use to it). As far as I am concerned she is normal. BUT every once in awhile something comes up and slaps me in the face and kicks my butt back to reality. And when that happens I start getting angry. What kicked me in the butt this time? 2 things. 1. Was that she got sick. All babies get sick. But the fact that what she got sick with was seizures AND a respiratory infection and those are the 2 things that are supposed to effect her most in life and they both happened. IT SUCKED!!! Just thinking that she is following the patterns that I was told she would. I don't want her to follow their predictions. She has not up to now, so why is she starting? I do not want that reality. I want her to stay in her safe bubble and against the odds. And 2. I saw her around her peers. I see what she is "supposed" to be doing. She is obviously not doing the same stuff. I try not to let it bother me. She is progressing at her own speed and I could not be more proud of what she has accomplished, how far she has come, and what odds she has beaten. But it makes me angry that she has to work so much harder at everything in life.
Then this anger starts turning into anger towards the Dr's. Not even towards one in particular. I just want one Dr that will take care of all of her and fight to find answers and at least pretend that they really truly care. I just have not found that one Dr yet. Do they even exist or am I just hallucinating or just having wishful thinking?
I am exhausted! I am tired of always having to think what is next, tired of having to think like a Dr, tired of having to do my own research on everything, tired of having to be an advocate, tired of having to be a nurse, tired of having to be a therapist. I just want to be a mommy! A regular mommy that has regular concerns. I know that is why I am tired all the time and why I have headaches. People tell me "you need a vacation", "you need a break", "you need to have time for you". I 100% agree! However, it's not realistic. On many different levels, it's not realistic.
I'm sorry this is not a very perky, happy post. But this blog is actually helping me a lot with sorting out feelings and getting things out of my head. Unfortunately, some of the bad things have to get out of my head too, to be able to get back to the happy stuff. Thanks for listening/reading. I will get through this. If Sadie can fight to get past her obstacles, I can fight to get past mine.
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