July 10, 2013

Tears last night

   Last night I went to bed completely exhausted.  I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.  I'm not sure how long I was asleep before I heard "Mama, Mama I need you!" It was coming from the baby monitor.  I jumped up so fast, ran upstairs into Sadie's room expecting to see her standing up, holding onto the crib, reaching up for me, and calling mama.  I got up there and she was sound asleep.  As peaceful as can be.  I was so confused.  Did I just dream that? Then I heard my 4 yr old yell "mama". I went in her room and she asked me to rock her.  This is odd.  She never asks to be rocked anymore.  So of course I said yes.  The rocking chair is in Sadie's room so we went in there and cuddled and rocked.  And as I rocked Aubrie back to sleep I started thinking about what just happened.
   The more I thought about it, the more sad I got.  This scenario would never happen with Sadie.  Either one of the scenario's.  1. She will never stand, holding her arms out for me to pick her up (at least not anytime soon).  2. She will never call me verbally. 3. She hates to be held so I will never get a chance to rock her to put her back to sleep.  And that's when I lost it.  I balled my eyes out. 
   I'm rocking this beautiful, typical developing child who verbally called me cause she needed me.  I'm holding this child that if she wanted to (which she usually does every night) will walk down to my room and snuggle in my bed at night.  I look over at this beautiful, peaceful, sleeping little girl in her crib and I grieve for those moments with her.  I could literally feel my heart hurting.  I start to question everything.  Every feeling that I have.  Every decision that I've made for Sadie.  Even every decision that I've made for my other 2 girls too.  Do I really know what I'm doing?  Nope, I have no idea what I am doing.  I feel like I'm making it all up as I go along.  Now I feel guilty for grieving a child that I have right here, in the flesh.  So many people never even get the chance to ever have a child or their child becomes an angel way to soon.  How blessed am I to have this rare child in my life, alive and well?
   The I remembered this article that I read somewhere along my journey with Sadie.  And I don't remember who said it (I really wish I did so I could give them credit), or where it was that I read it, and I don't even remember the exact words, but it was something like this "It's OK to grieve a child that you thought you were going to have, because in doing so, it allows you to be able to celebrate the child that you have been given".  For some reason, those words have always stuck in my head (I guess maybe is was my subconscious knowing that someday I would need those words as a reminder.  Who knows?).  I sat and thought about that saying for a little while.  I said a prayer asking for guidance and peace.  Then the tears finally stopped, my heart stopped hurting, I felt calm, and I could breath again.  I know my guardian angel was holding me in her arms.  It was an amazing feeling.  One I really can't explain.
  After a few minutes in that calm state, I then snapped back to reality and remembered that it was the middle of the night and my girls would be awake before I knew it.  I laid Aubrie back down in bed and went back in to Sadie's room.  I was going to attempt to pick her up and rock her and then my mama instincts kinked in that said "don't ever wake a sleeping baby, no matter how much you want to".  I so wanted to.  I refrained, knowing what the consequences would be.  I gently played with her hair, touched her sweet face, kissed her forehead, and said a prayer with my hand on her heart like I always do, turned and went back to bed.
   The next morning as I lay in bed listening to Sadie "talk" with her sisters in the baby monitor (they go in every morning and sit in her crib with her after they know she is awake), and all of them were laughing and happy, I then realized that I must be do something right when it comes to my girls.  The tears again came to my eyes, but this time they were tears of joy and happiness.


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