October 24, 2013

Then and Now

   A year ago I started this post.  I never finished it.  It was about the days leading up to Sadie's birthday.

   As I said in a previous post, I procrastinated a lot when it came to Sadie's birthday party.  I was excited, sad, happy, anxious, stressed.  I had no idea why all these crazy feelings were coming up.  Everyone was calling "what can I do to help with the party" and  "what does she need". Ya know, the typical question you ask people when a party is coming up.  At first I was excited and I wanted a huge party.  After all, she deserved it.  A million Dr appts, surgery, therapies, a bazillion car rides, blood draws, MRI, X-rays, EKG's, echos of the heart, EEG, hospital stays, NG tube inserted a million times in her nose.  You name it, she probably had it done.  So why was I getting so stressed out? And crying? And procrastinating?  I actually thought about cancelling her party.  But why?
   I should be thrilled and excited that we made it to a year.  She hasn't been sick (except a week ago with bronchitis), she doesn't have seizures or respiratory issues like she is "supposed" to have.  We have her nutrition under control.  She is delayed but she tries so hard and she is sloooooowly getting there.  So one night after my girls and husband went to bed, I sat and thought and thought and thought and cried and cried and cried.  WHAT is my problem?  Slowly it started to come to me.  Even though I accept her for who she is and am so proud of how far she has come, especially since I was told she wouldn't do anything, and I love her to pieces, I still grieve that little girl I dreamt about. I don't think I have really let myself think about it or grieve it because I have been so busy with her medical stuff and making sure that I wasn't missing anything.
  *This post is so hard to write because I'm afraid this is all going to come out wrong because it is complicated, but I'm trying to explain the best I can.*
  With her birthday coming up I started to think back to a year ago and her actual birth and the days after that in the NICU.  As happy as I was that she was here, there was so much anxiety and unknown during that time that unfortunately it overshadowed the fact that I was so lucky and happy that she was born alive and I could actually hold her in my arms.  I started feeling all those feelings again.  It was horrible.  I started to get angry and feelings like this isn't fair.  It's not fair that she can't hear us sing happy birthday to her.  It's not fair that she can't open her presents.  It's not fair that she can't dig into her cake and make a huge mess.  It's not fair that she can't be more excited about the boxes then she is about the actual gift.  It's not fair that she can't toddle around or crawl or show off her new skills that she learned over the past year.  THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR!!!
  So after I got done having a pity party for myself and thinking about everything that she can't do, I decided I had to change my attitude for everyone involved: for Chloe and Aubrie, Sadie, my husband, and myself.  Sadie deserves way better then this.  The girls were super excited that she was turning one and plus they love birthday parties.  I didn't want to put a damper on their excitement.  My husband just doesn't get it.  He thinks way differently when it comes to certain things and this is one of them.  So for the sake of our relationship I had to drop it and we just had to agree to disagree. Sadie, well, she is just a happy baby and deserves to have happy people around her.  Having relatives and friends around her that adore and love her, will make her happy.  Me, I'm still human.  I still feel sad when I think of different things that won't happen, but when I feel myself going in that direction I just have to change my thought process and realize how far she has come, and what she can do and what a blessing she is to our family.

  So that was all written a year ago.  Guess what?  All those same feelings came back again this year.  Not so much about her party, but the feelings of anger.  How I couldn't enjoy her birth, how her infant and baby years have been stolen away from me, and how things are not fair and that children (anybody for that matter) should not have to go through everything that she is going through on a daily basis.  It makes me so angry that she has to fight so hard to do things that are supposed to come so naturally.  Why did she get dealt this hand of cards?  To teach the rest of us something?  I would have been glad to learn these lessons some other way.  This is where my faith has to come in.  This was God's plan.  And His plan is always better then ours.  I may not understand his plan and I may never understand his plan completely, but it is His plan.  On certain days I somehow need to adjust myself to see his plan.  I have to remember the miracle that she is and get past all this anger.  I really hope that these feelings don't come around every year, cause honestly it pisses me off (pardon my language) that they hang over me like a dark cloud during her birthday month.

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