Yes, I have changed

If Sadie was a typical child....

  I would be living the way I always have.  I would still have 3 beautiful girls, married to my husband, living in the same house with one dog and one cat, have nice vehicles, and working as an RN at a job that I love.  Be surrounded with family and friends that we love and get along with and I would be taking my girls to school and dance and to the park and to play places and anything else I wanted to do with them.  I would be living the "perfect" dream.  I would still be living in a naive bubble.  That nothing "bad" could ever happen to me.

 

But Sadie is not a typical child...

  She burst that bubble.  I do still live that exact same way.  I am living a dream.  However, it is no longer the "perfect" dream and I am no longer naive.  Bad Different stuff has happened to me and I am now living the "realistic" dream.  Is it the perfect dream? No.  Is it a bad dream? No.  Is it a realistic dream? Yes.  Is my life better being less naive? Yes.  Have I changed? Yes. 

 

  It used to bother me (a lot!) that people said that I changed after I had Chloe.  "You grew a heart, you became softer".  I, however, did not see that I changed.  I was the same old Tammi that I always was.  Yes, I had more responsibility. Yes, I no longer partied.  Yes, I no longer was selfish and thought the world revolved around me.  But I still saw myself as me.  Now that Sadie has been on this earth for a little over a year, people again are saying to me "I can't believe how much you have changed."  At first I thought "really?  again?" and I got offended.  I don't know why I did, but I did.  I think cause it makes me think that they thought I was cold or heartless or that I didn't really care, that I was selfish.  It makes me think that they didn't think very highly of me. It made me sad.  But as the year went on and more people said it to me I thought (and pardon my language) "Hell ya I've changed!"  I have a child that has taught me more in the last 13 months of my life then I have learned in the last 33 yrs prior to that.

How has Sadie changed me?

(I read this on another special needs mom's blog and I was going to say something similar to it, but she said it so well and described exactly how I felt.  Why try to reinvent the wheel when it works perfectly, right? I hope this mom doesn't mind.  Obviously, I tweaked it a little bit.)

 

  I would never know that love like this existed. There are no words to explain how you love someone when you realize that their time is limited. I wouldn't realize that that is how everyone should be towards the ones they love, healthy or not.

  I wouldn't appreciate the health God has blessed Chloe and Aubrie with and how grateful I am for it. I wouldn't have known what an amazing heart God gave them and that Sadie's illness has taught them to be so kind, compassionate and caring.
  I would never know that so many children suffer so much each day and have heartbroken families that endure more than they should in ones lifetime.  I would have never known how strong I really am. A strength given to me by God, knowing that I could never do this without Him.

  I would never know the full extent of God's love. I wouldn't realize that without Him, my life is meaningless. I would have lived my life in vain, thinking that having the "smartest" children is what makes a good mommy, thinking that our success in life would be having a nice house, money in the bank and cute clothes. Not knowing that what determines a person is not what they have but what they do with what they have.
  I would have looked at children with disabilities as a tragedy instead of what they truly are, a blessing from God Himself. I would have looked at the parents with sympathy, silently thanking God that it wasn't me in those shoes instead of knowing what an amazing opportunity that they have been given.
  I would have never realized what absolutely amazing people there are in this world. Ones that bend over backwards to help us in every way. Our family, friends, Sadie's therapists, and people we haven't even met.
  Sadie has forever changed my life. While I have cried more than I thought could be humanly possible, its only because of the love that I have for her, a love Christ instilled in me, a love that Christ shows me each day. If I had the choice, there is no question I would want Sadie to be typical/healthy.  Would I want to be the person I was before all of this? No, not at all. I will spend the rest of my life praising God that he thought of us so worthy to have a special blessing like Sadie. I will pray that God shows me what he wants me to learn from this, ask him to show me His purpose so I can fulfill the role He wants for me.
  Because of Sadie, I know true love, true happiness.  I am so blessed to be Sadie's (and Chloe and Aubrie's) mommy.

So have I changed? Yes!  I am proud of it and am no longer offended when people say it to me.  Instead I say "Thank You"

*Look at all the lessons Sadie taught me this time.  She is simply amazing!*